Umbrellas

There have been many terrible inventions throughout time. The Snuggie, AutoCorrect, and the Smart Car are among these products. But the worst creation of all time would have to be the umbrella.

Sure, the idea behind it is great. When rainy days strike, grab your trusty umbrella, hold it parallel your body, and shield yourself from unwanted water droplets. You make it to your destination dry, and ultimately happier, knowing your day was not ruined by the Great Outdoors.

If only it was that easy.

The center of gravity for the common umbrella is precariously high. When upended, the only form of stability the mass at the top of the device has is suspended by a metal rod, about two feet long (give-or-take, depending on your model) held by a notoriously unsteady human grip. This makes balancing the umbrella hard, requiring great concentration on behalf of the user for the umbrella’s canvas to remain above the body. And the current umbrella design does not factor wind. The slightest breeze can quite violently flip the entire canopy topsy-turvy, which may or may not be fixable. Most contemporary umbrellas have a telescoping shaft, allowing for compact portability. This is released via a spring-loaded button. However convenient this sounds, the umbrella extends with the force of a cannon, which can take out eyes and limbs of unsuspecting passers-by. Some umbrellas are even fashioned with a stylish pointed end, perfect for skewering humans in the liver. And if the user’s hands are not in the proper place, they can get pinched in the metal shaft, causing grueling pain.  Also, the metal in the umbrella attracts lightning, which is much worse than simply enduring the rain to begin with.

It’s no wonder there are eighteen-million umbrella-related deaths each year. They’re a nuisance on society and a burden on hard-working men and women. They cost taxpayers an extra $5000 in income tax every year, and they’re involved in more scandals than the Jerry Springer show.

It’s time we put an end to umbrellas.