State of Oklahoma to Cancel Thanksgiving

The Daily Flier

November 28, 2013

Joseph L.A. Hall, Satire Editor

State of Oklahoma to Cancel Thanksgiving

In a stunning legislative move, Oklahoma no longer recognizes Thanksgiving as a real holiday, despite its “national holiday” designation.

State legislators believe this is the best move for the state. Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett remarks, “It’s just become a nuisance we have to deal with every year.”

“Nobody really celebrates Thanksgiving anymore,” explained state senator Dan Newberry. “Think about it. Retailers are stocking Christmas merchandise even before Halloween. Black Friday also overshadows Thanksgiving; exactly one day after we are supposed to express gratitude for what we have, we trample each other to death for the greatest deals on flat screen TVs this side of the Atlantic.”

While this may ring ashamedly true for much of the country, is cancelling the holiday really the answer? We asked people across the state what they thought of the move.

Roger Namanski, a native Tulsan, told us, “Really, I’m glad. I own a business and I hate having to give my employees the day off. All I can see is money heading out the door when they close up the shop the night before.”

“I can’t stand Thanksgiving,” remarked one woman from Oklahoma City, who wished to remain anonymous. “Turkey sucks, family sucks, the whole thing just sucks.”

One native of Okmulgee told us, “I never really celebrated Thanksgiving to begin with, so it’s not a huge change for me. God knows I’m thankful. Taking a whole day out of my schedule to express that seems a little ridiculous.”

While it is unclear whether removing Thanksgiving from statewide celebration is legal, since it is a national holiday, the move has turned heads nationwide. Six states have expressed interest in following the footsteps of the Sooner State, including Mississippi, Arizona, New Mexico, Oregon, North Dakota, and Hawaii.

Rumors have it, Oklahoma will also soon cancel two other holidays it deems unnecessary, namely St. Patrick’s Day and Easter. Mayor Cornett explained, “These are holidays known for drunk people and pastel bunnies. Nobody needs them.”

Joey Hall is a writer for The Daily Flier’s Satire column. When not slaving away for his job, he enjoys smashing pomegranates into the front doors of strangers’ houses and testing the effectiveness of in-store display alarm clocks.