The Daily Flier

October 24, 2012

Joseph L.A. Hall, Satire Editor

Political Correction is no Laughing Matter at WIP

Things have been hopping at the Wright Institute for Penmanship this past week, as several people with differing worldviews found themselves offended over the opinions of their peers.

The first of these instances occurred Sunday when one student forgot to say “visually-impaired,” opting instead to say the more barbaric term, “blind.” John G. Wrangles was expelled as soon as administrators were informed of this outrage.

“We figured the best thing to do was to discontinue his education,” said George G. Keller, the WIP Dean of Men. “Wright Institute wants to make the message clear: We do not tolerate people using harsh terms that might offend someone.”

Roger Bee, the visually-impaired student, told us, “No one really asked me what I thought. I’ll be the first to tell you I’m blind. Saying I’m visually impaired doesn’t change anything.”

The events quickly escalated, as later in the day, one student returned from his church wearing a t-shirt that said, “Got Jesus?”

“When a student comes on to a public campus, blatantly harassing people to convert to their religion, we have to take action,” Keller commented. The student was expelled and denied any future financial aid.

“Unfortunately, people just don’t understand that we have to watch what we display on our clothing, and the words that come out of our mouth,” said Thea Claremore, Director of Admissions at WIP. “Just last Monday, we had a Hispanic male refer to himself as—please forgive me for using the term—a Mexican. When we told him he could offend the Hispanic students on campus, he told me that he wasn’t going to comply. We denied him meal privileges for the remainder of the month.”

Doctor Liffenheimer became the Director of Student Wellbeing and General Politeness on the university grounds, when the position opened in April of this year. “We really started to clean things up, once this department was established. Not even two weeks after I took the job, several Caucasian males made plans to hunt Vulpine-Americans that had multiplied in a nearby forest, and publicized their intentions on their personal social networking sites. We immediately took disciplinary action against them for their complete lack of respect for the feelings of these creatures.”

Last Tuesday, a local LGBTQ organization held a Pride Convention on the Wright Institute of Penmanship campus. Those students who did not attend had their belongings legally repossessed. Liffenheimer told the Daily Flier, “When students refuse to show tolerance for others and are willfully not sensitive to diversity, what else is a poor, diverse campus to do?”

Keller elaborated more on the college policies. “If someone tells us during their interview that they are the man for the job, we simply don’t hire them. In fact, if there’s any gender-exclusive vocabulary on their résumé, we don’t consider them. How would you like someone like that working at your business? We also have a requirement that every student needs to wear a rainbow once a week, or get a sex change.”

Joey Hall is a writer for The Daily Flier’s Satire column. When not slaving away for his job, he enjoys bashing his head into walls and staining home-improvement store carpet samples with soy sauce.